i came to the conclusion of the story last night. i was in a pretty decent mood. being the weekend, i should have been more happy. i should have had something to look forward to. most people strain and stress all week, awaiting the weekend like it was heaven delivered. my life has never been like that. it used to be that the phone would ring and i would always just end up going out and enjoying myself. it was never like a " i gotta go out and be with tons of people and act like an ass" it was always a low stress kind of tag alone to see what happens thing. then the heavier drinking started. with that you start to develop other friendships. these with bar buddies and floozies that are always good to let you know or make you feel some way important . they give your life a little sense of meaning. and it always makes a person feel better when they surround themselves with people that may have life a little harder and have issues. i learned that those friends quit when i quit drinking. they were just people like me, like a support system for troubled people that want to walk through life fake and angry.
now, my format has changed. being sober is by far the hardest thing for me to do. it will always be a constant test of my will power and inner strength. i used to do a lot of foolish things,tell a lot of lies,cut a lot of corners and basically didnt really care about consequences. now for some reason, being sober, it is almost impossible to find people that are real. real in the sense that they actually care about you and not themselves. i swear to god as i look around and see the greed, the selfishness,the disrespect and how people are so in love with their self and life. it has got to the point that i think, if i had a friend, that they would take an on line opinion about how they look, from a total stranger on the web rather than by me. it just bothers me that if i went from having hundreds of friends when i was a damaged wreck drinking my days away not caring about anything but me. but sober and truthful and opinionated and concerned and caring and compassionate.....i have zero friends. i am but a bug on a windshield. but if it is like this for me, then it is like this for the world. that scares me because it shows how most of the planet is doomed. no one cares about the real future. they care about their cell phones and clubs.
i started this because i said i came to a conclusion. i was watching a video of Ron Paul. he was reading a list of all of the ways that our government is selling us out . a list of all things Obama has done that would actually end him up in prison for treason.Paul clearly stated that this country is no longer a democracy.
it dawned on me. the end of this country is here, in my life time. my stomach sank and i felt tears in my eyes as it all hit at once. crying because everyday, i see sooooooooo many great decent amazing people doing amazing things because they care so much about life in general. then i thought of all the bad and how it is every where. like cancer. and i know that because of greed and the fact that so many humans are only interested in themselves and not humankind, all the good people are going to have to pay their price. at this point i have my hands over my eyes fighting tears and anger. thinking about what i need to do to survive. the only way to survive for me is just keep doing what i do....alone.
The more i look back at my entire life, i have always pretty much been alone
